I can think of few things I hate more in life than packing up all my shit, loading it into a car, and unpacking the same shit into a new place. If I never moved again it would be too soon. Until recently, moving for me had consisted of the aforementioned steps of packing/unpacking belongings. However, this spring, moving has a new twist; I'm moving and trying to get out of my lease. My current apartment is like some relationships I've had; I've put a lot of energy, work and money into it and it's still not quite right. My new place however, is quite the opposite; ready to move into, low maintenance and cheaper. And when you're a champagne kind of girl on a beer girls budget, those are big selling points.
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| Compromise? |
Once I decided on the new place, I got to work putting ad's up for my current one. I've scanned Craigslist ad's zillions of times and it was apparent that one need only a computer and the English skills of an average first grader to post ad's to the website. That being said, I cleaned my apartment, took some fabulous photos of it and posted them along with a glowing description of my residence to the 'apt / housing' section of Craigslist. To my surprise, I received several responses from interested parties and began setting up tours immediately. Finding someone to sublease my apartment was turning out to be so easy! Why had people moaned and groaned in sympathy when I told them of my plans? I was about to find out, because no Craigslist warning or averted eye contact from friends when I discussed my rental situation could have prepared me for what would walk into my apartment that Sunday afternoon; The Five Apartment Hunters You Meet in Moscow.
#1 - Cathy the Criticizer
The first email I received was from a very interested grad student. He was out of the state, but wanted to move on this place quickly. He contacted a friend who lives in the area and she and I scheduled an appointment for her to come check the apartment out for him. When his friend arrived, I opened the door and the woman who stood there briefly introduced herself as *Cathy. I say briefly because without me actually inviting her in, she strolled past me, looked around the entrance hallway and said, "It's certainly not much of an entrance, is it?" I laughed a little as she continued on into the entrance of the actual apartment. What ensued was a string of blunt observations about how, "Dark and dingy basement apartments always are," and how she'd expected as much. She was surprised my closet wasn't better organized since I work in retail. Cathy continued through the apartment and loudly exclaimed how happy she was to not be looking at this for herself. I was becoming increasingly annoyed with this woman when she stated, "And this...this has got to be the worst part of this place. You think the landlord would have done something about that." Her nose was wrinkled in disgust as she pointed to my Harvest Gold colored stove. I should be clear that I really have no lost love for this stove. It's as ugly as it sounds, but by God, I'm the only one who gets to criticize my 70's era cook top! Suddenly that stove wasn't just a stove; it stood for all that was good and right in world of cookery. This stove was regal! This stove was majestic! I'd take a bullet for this stove! Who was this woman to march into my apartment and insult the appliance which had served me so well in the past few months?! At that, I announced that if she or her friend had any more questions, they could email me at their convenience and ushered her out the door. I have a suspicion that she wasn't done firing her list of insults at my abode, but both I, and my humble stove had had enough of Cathy for one day.
#2 - The Newlyweds
I should have known by her email responses what I was in for. Her use of 'he' instead of 'I' in every email inclined me to think this was a couple coming to view the apartment, though she gave no hint of that. The Newlyweds arrived promptly at 1:30 and from the time they stepped out of their car, they did not stop holding hands. I wasn't really bothered by this, but I'm not joking when I say they held hands for every second they were on the property. I invited them inside and they gazed into each others eyes, sighed a happy sigh in unison and proceeded awkwardly down the steps into the entry way. I suppose I should be happy he didn't try to carry her across the threshold. Anyway, I let them in and began the grand tour, talking up the huge closet, new floors, etc... As I continued, the awkwardness grew more and more hard to handle. I was half way done talking about the electric bill when I realized the two of them hadn't said a word to me or each other--they'd just held hands, gazed into each others eyes and given me the necessary nods of their heads when it was obvious I was looking for a response. Had I known what it would be like if they spoke, I'd have stuck to 'yes' and 'no' questions. "So," I began tentatively, "How do you like the place?" And the creepiest thing I've ever seen ensued. The man began telling me what his partner liked about the place, expressing her sincere appreciation of the new flooring, quiet location and several other specifics. When he was done speaking, she began talking and telling me about how he liked the backyard and available storage. Was I clear that the two had never said a word to each other the entire time? I can only speculate how they were able to convey these specific interests to each other without speaking--I suspect they were communicating through their entwined hands. I walked outside and shuddered as the two walked away, hoping I never have to sacrifice speaking for myself in the name of love.
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| Translation: Honey, did you just fart? |
#3 - Is that for Sale?
I'm not sure if I've made this clear, but I've invested a significant amount of time and effort into making my apartment feel like home. Decorating in a half basement duplex can be tricky, but in my humble opinion, I've become quite the savvy cellar dweller. Even though half my furniture was purchased on Craigslist or given to me by family, I think I've done a pretty good job of turning this house into a home. So, when a person comes into your house and immediately begins complimenting your decorating taste and furniture, you just can't help but puff your chest up and feel good about yourself. "I really like those wall hangings," she said eagerly, "Do they come with the apartment?" I thanked her and told her no, the only thing remaining in the apartment would be the appliances. We continued on through the tour and she just kept exclaiming how much she liked my furniture. When she saw the canopy I have hanging over my bed, she asked how much I would ask for it. I chuckled awkwardly and mused that all apartments should come with built in mosquito netting canopies in their bedrooms. "Seriously," she asked. "How much?" I told her she could buy the exact same canopy at Bed Bath and Beyond for $50 and that seemed to calm her down. By the time she left my apartment, this woman had made an offer on my ottoman, leather chair, floating shelves, vanity and a wine bottle with an image of Marilyn Monroe. She left and I let out a loud laugh when Greta poked her head out from under the bed...I think she was scared the lady was going to try and buy her too.
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| Really though...who wouldn't want to take her home? |
*Rodney, 33 from Butte, Montana corresponded with me though an inordinate amount of emails prior to meeting me. He told me he recently moved back to the area after a cabinetry stint in Butte and was an Aquarius. He also told me how much he loved the outdoors and that kayaking was his favorite hobby. Did I mention that Rodney was a potential tenant, not a potential love interest? This fact was crystal clear to me, but Rodney seemed a little less clear on the matter. His questions were more about me, what I liked to do for fun. Every time I tried to bring the conversation back to the apartment, he swung it back around to talk about me. When I told him I was only moving a few blocks away, he talked about how cool it would be for us to live so close. I asked if he had a pet, since I was going to tell him there would be an extra deposit if he did, and he told me he wanted to get a dog, and wouldn't it be great, because then our dogs could play together? I told Rodney if he had any further questions, he could email me, but he thought it might be easier to get a hold of me if he had my phone number. Thanks, but no thanks, Rodney.
#5 - VANDALS ARE #1!!!
I wasn't really sure I would get many hits from college students on my ad. It's a pretty residential neighborhood and I don't think many undergrads live around here. However, when *Austin came by to see the place on my lunch break, I was proven wrong. He stepped out of his car and his scrawny, University of Idaho themed clothing clad figure came walking up the sidewalk. Austin was going to be a Senior next year and was double majoring in Chemistry and Physics and minoring in, ok, I really stopped listening after he said Chemistry. He told me all about school and how much he loved going to the U of I. Austin shared with me his plans to earn his PhD at Idaho because he, "Couldn't imagine going to school anywhere else." He made sure to ask if the lease was renewable since he loved college and was going to be in Moscow for a long time. I assured him that as long as he was a good tenant, the landlord would love to have someone there for the long haul. For a bit, it was actually really endearing to listen to someone who loved the school part of college, but then, it got kind of annoying. As I was wrapping things up, I walked him out the door and told him it was nice to meet him. "Have a nice afternoon," I said. "GO VANDALS!" He said, and raised his right arm high in the air and as his hand hovered there, I realized what he was wanting. So, I raised my hand and our palms met with an enthusiastic 'clap' because I just don't do shitty high-fives.
Anyone of you who's ever had to show a house, car, or unwanted piece of furniture to a stranger has undoubtedly met with similar experiences as mine. While I did have a handful of 'normal' people come to check the place out, the above five are the ones that stuck out to me the most. I don't know if any of them have turned in the rental application to my landlord, or if they will. I do know though, that through this exploit, I have experienced quite the slice of Moscow. All of the people were so different, but they were all united by one thing; the idea of a studio apartment for $475 per month, water, sewer and garbage included sounded like a pretty damn good deal to them.
*Names have been changed to protect the identity/integrity of those involved.
'Mid pleasures and palaces though we may roam,
Be it ever so humble, there's not place like home;
A charm from the skies seems to hallow us there
Which sought through the world is ne'er met with elsewhere.
J.H. Payne - Home, Sweet Home.
