My Worst Hater.

I first met her in fourth grade.

As I stood waiting for the bus, a group of girls were talking not far from me.  While I wasn't the best of friends with them, we did have a lot of things in common; you know, playing house on the playground and an affinity for tether ball, the things that matter when you're 10.  It wasn't that I was eaves dropping, but pretty soon it became obvious they were talking about a birthday party they'd attended.  One of the girls had turned 10 over the weekend and they were re-living how fun her sleepover had been.

That's when I first remember meeting her.  She leaned over and whispered in my ear, "Do you hear them? Did you hear how awesome the sleepover was?  Too bad you weren't invited..."

I tried to ignore the girl.  I was sure they'd wanted me to come, they just probably had forgotten to give me the invitation.  Or maybe they just called my house to invite me and I didn't get the message.  They probably had thought I was going out of town last weekend.

"Nope," she whispered.  "They just plain don't like you."

"I'm pretty sure it's because no one has worn that shirt since the first grade."

This is my first recollected memory of my biggest hater; my Inner Critic...one Ms. Self Doubt.

The problem was, this wasn't the kind of friend you really wanted around, you know?  She only came by whenever I was feeling bad about myself.  And just in case I wasn't down enough, she made sure to point out all my flaws and really drive home my insecurities.  That bitch was there when I missed the word 'cushion' in the finals of my spelling bee. She came around when I messed up my clarinet solo in the 8th grade.  She made sure she was there when I bombed my interview question in Junior Miss.  Always there with a, "Of course you're not, smart/talented/pretty/whatever else enough." 

Pretty sure without her negative talk, I would have invented this. 

Yuup, that she-devil made adolescence a real pain sometimes.  Fortunately as I aged, I learned there are some friends worth keeping and some worth ditching, and this one belonged to the latter group.  It wasn't that as I got older, I stopped failing at life; quite the contrary.  But, with age comes experience and with experience came the ability to tell that callous tramp to shut the eff up.  

My Worst Hater has made two semi-recent appearances in my life as of late.  One being last year when I was fired from my first big girl job.  "Of course they fired you, Melissa...you were definitely the dumbest one there.  How could you think a stupid blonde like you could take on a big job like that? You'll never hold down a real, adult job."  She yelled all these things at me as I left the job site, and followed me home, sat next to me on the couch and continued her demeaning banter.  Finally, after having reached an incredibly low point, I dialed my Mom's phone number to tell her what had happened.  As I tried to catch my breath and listened to the phone ring, Ms. Self Doubt asked me why I was even calling my Mom, and told me how ashamed my parent's would be of me.  My mom picked up the phone and I managed to stammer that I'd been fired, while my Inner Critic sat there, smug look on her face, waiting for the disappointed words my mom would surely utter. 

"What am I going to do??" I sobbed to my mom.

"Well, Melissa, you're going to print some resume's, put on a suit and on Monday, start hoofing the pavement for a new job...that place sounded awful anyway."

And just like that, I looked over and my Worst Hater had vanished.  That's when I learned something about your Inner Critic...they don't stick around if you've got someone important in your life who has confidence in you.  And not even the brashest, bitchiest Inner Critic has enough balls to go against my mom.

Bitch, pleeze...don't act like you didn't just soil yourself at the thought of going toe-to-toe with her.

The second of that tramps recent appearance's was super recently, like two weeks ago recently.  I, Melissa Jean Krautscheid, for the first time ever, was dumped.  It wasn't a horrible break-up, and I for a few hours I was actually really happy with how well I was taking it.  That is until I was sitting alone on my couch and I heard a familiar voice. "You knew from the start you weren't good enough...you'll never be good enough. No one is ever going to like you that way."  I felt myself sinking to that same, dark heavy place.  Maybe she was right about this one--maybe I wouldn't ever find 'the one.'  I should be clear that I hadn't been dating this person for too long, and while I really liked him, I didn't consider him to even be 'the one.' But that's how sneaky and scheisty your Inner Critic can be when you're down.  She took what boiled down to a situation of bad timing and twisted and turned it until I knew it was completely my fault and and that no one would ever love me.  

Fortunately for me, I have a group of thoughtful, kind and ever-patient friends.  One in particular was only a phone call away and came over to talk to me.  It was a bit awkward with the three of us sitting on the couch; me, Self Doubt and my friend, but as we talked it got better.  My friend explained to me that while it did come as a shock, at the end of the day, people are wild cards and there is just no predicting them.  As my friend assured me that I was a good person, and I was worth dating, my Worst Hater's presence became  softer and softer until she finally left the room.  I've learned it can be hard to ditch Self Doubt by yourself, and at times, it's necessary to bring in reinforcements. 

I'm not really sure what I want anyone to take from this.  Maybe I was just writing it to get things off my chest.  Maybe I just wanted to figure out how many different names I could create for my self negativity.  Or maybe this could actually make a small difference to you.  We all talk ourselves down from time to time, and it's important to know that in the small circumstances, we can ditch it on our own.  However, it's also important to know that there will be times when it might make it easier to talk to a friend about it.  It helps to remember that even in our most trying times, there are people around us who love and support us.  And for each time we lose faith in ourselves, there are people out there who still believe in us.  And that, friends, is just plain awesome.

It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not.  

The Spirit of Christmas

There are so many things about the holiday season that make it special for me.  I enjoy watching the snow fall when it's dark and quiet outside.  I love the smell of Christmas trees. I love spending time with my family (this statement subject to revocation). Lastly, I especially love working retail during Christmas! Helping people find the perfect present for their family/friend/people from work they don't really know is my specialty!  Also, I think it's the son of God's birthday or something...

Yes, Balthasar; for the 1000th time, I'm sure the Jesus likes frankincense. 

A couple of weeks ago, an older woman came into the store with two tags from the mall's giving tree.  After an incomprehensible amount of time shopping, a lot of hand gesturing (English wasn't her first language), and a handful of gift receipts, we'd picked out the perfect gifts for the tags she'd taken off of the tree.  She had particular pride in one shirt she'd chosen for the 13 year old girl, and was excited to take them back to the donation spot. 

 This week at work, a woman came into the store with a return. She laid the package on the counter, handed me three gift receipts and asked how much money she had to work with.  I told her the amounts, handed her back the receipts, and told her I'd hold her return up on the counter while she looked around.  I helped her find some things in her size and and returned to the back of the store while she continued to shop.   Once at the register again, I opened the bag and stopped short.  

This woman was returning the giving tree gift I'd helped the older woman pick out only a couple weeks before, only she was returning clothes presumably meant for her daughter and using the money to buy clothes for herself.  I looked up at her browsing around the store and my stomach turned.  How could someone return a gift meant to make a needy child's Christmas bright, and turn around and purchase something for them-self instead?

I was so upset I didn't know what to do. All my Christmas cheer and faith in humanity pretty much flew out the chimney.  I always participate in my community's giving tree programs, and the thought of someone abusing such a worthwhile cause for their own gain made me sick. Did she really have a daughter who needed this gift, or did she not have any children at all and was running some sort of racket?  Either way, my heart shrunk two sizes too small and I made a commitment to never participate in any sort of anonymous giving program again....how could I after seeing what the people are really doing with the generosity of strangers?  This woman had taken any Christmas spirit I had, stomped on it, shredded it, and used it for lining in her bird cage.  

Real life x-ray of my heart; post Christmas Scheist Scheme. 

I drove home that evening, fuming about the whole situation.  The Christmas songs playing in the car made me want to put my fist through the radio.   I finally got home, changed my clothes and decided to go for a walk to blow off some steam.  As I walked through the neighborhood, even the Christmas lights, which I normally love, just pissed me off.  

It wasn't until I walked into Safeway to grab a drink that something began to chip at the ice surrounding my teeny-tiny heart.  There was an old lady counting out change at the counter for some milk and other oddities, and after emptying her purse and pockets, she was $2.12 cents short.  I could tell the clerk was getting upset with her, and he suggested she put something back.  Before I really knew what I was doing, I stepped forward and offered to pay for what she couldn't cover.  When I looked at her, it was the old woman whom I'd helped buy gifts for the giving tree at the mall two weeks prior...the gifts that afternoon which someone tried to return to buy something for them-self.  Here it was, just a little before Christmas and the woman who'd been so generous with the giving tree, couldn't afford to buy all of her groceries.

The woman thanked me profusely, wished me a broken "Merry Christmas" and left. 

I walked home that evening with a lot on my mind and even more on my heart.  That woman's generosity with the giving tree meant even more now that I knew her circumstances.  As I meandered though the neighborhood, I noticed trees sparkling in windows, lights twinkling outside and watched my breath freeze in the cool winter air.  As my heart warmed, I realized that Christmas was so much bigger than the pettiness of  a select few, greedy souls.  A holiday where people can open their hearts to family and strangers alike, regardless of whether they receive recognition for doing so, is so profound it takes my breath away.  I think it can be easy us to let situations like mine at the mall bog us down, but life and man-kind is really never so bad off that bad people outnumber the good-hearted ones.

Merry Christmas to all my friends and family! May this holiday season fill your heart with Christmas spirit, and your bellies with Christmas spirits :)

"Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas."
Calvin Coolidge 

My First Time

I don't know why I did it.

Maybe it was because I'm a single girl in a small town. Maybe it was because I have too much time on my hands. Maybe it was because all my friends were doing it. Maybe it was because I heard lots of other people were doing it and I thought I could do it better. Maybe it was because I had too much to drink. Maybe it was because I didn't have enough to drink. I don't know why I did it, but I started my own blog.

Lets be honest...it was probably the alcohol.

So this is my first time posting my very first blog...thanks for being here to share it with me. I should probably start things out by telling you all a little about myself; I grew up on a farm. I hate mushrooms. I'm scared of birds. I was foreign language student of the year in high school. I spend more than an acceptable amount of my income on clothes. I'm a Gemini. I grew up on a steady diet of home canned goods and self deprecating humor. My couch is red. I like my men tall and my coffee iced. I'm always right. I talk to my dog...a lot. I have a dimple when I smile. I'm extremely near-sighted. I'm good at sharing. I love merry-go-rounds.

There...that should be a good start. My overall idea for this blog is to be a panegyric to everything I like, hate and everything in between. From cooking, to annoyances, style tips, general life experiences, etc...If this sounds interesting to you, subscribe today and recommend 5 five friends to do so or RISK BAD LUCK FOR ALL ETERNITY. That's right, eternity. Or you can read it and not recommend any friends, but don't come crying to me if you leave your house and an anvil falls on your head...because you were warned.